Suicide : My remedy for Pains!

Every other day starts as if it is just another day. You never know what is going to happen at the end of the day. You wake up normally but everything depends on the turn of the events. There is a condition to everything, whether the previous day ends or it never ends, it goes into eternity. This is said by me and you’ll get to know the meaning. Read it till each fragmented words sinks deep into your sub conscious mind and composes a image there.

So, all the days are same. Before going into the details, I would like to say that everything mentioned in this article bear no resemblance to any person living or dead (if dead, then it wouldn’t have been here), and if it does then its pure co-incidental. Just another day in my life. I never knew I would be so close to lady of my dreams (refer to: Getting familiar with Acme, www.cafe-xpression.blogspot.com) by the time clock would have struck 12 of the night. I still could feel her presence, sitting next to me draped in a black saree and sitting in the most gracious posture.

Her cold hands are holding down the pages of my diary so that they don’t bother while I am writing. I could feel her long black tresses flowing and falling on her smiling face as well as mine because of the gush of the wind which was trying to turn the pages of my life’s diary. I am not scared of her presence around me. For those who don’t know, she is Death, personified and what a beauty she is.

Aaishwari thinks and mentions that I am ‘insane’, but it’s just her perception. I am addicted to pains. Now, I can feel those pair of the prettiest eyes looking into my diary, as if she could read whatever I am writing down. This is my third meeting with her and she is not saying anything and I don’t want to look at her because all the stars embellished on her black saree are getting me momentarily blind on every single glance.

Psychiatrist will refer to my condition as ‘hallucination’ But, I’ll say that it’s just the portrayal of the picture your heart draws and I guess Suvarna agrees, heart to heart, right? Even if it is hallucination, I m in love with death. I know that it is a mere coincidence that when the freezing fingers of death are running through my hair, Aaishwari must be feeling the shiver run down her spine. Its all in your mind’s game. Addiction to pain is not really very painful as the pain is, addiction just makes it tolerable. In any case, I am not trying to influence the way other people think.

It’s been a couple of days since this incident took place. It’s about a guy; blessed with a wonderful sister, lots of love and everything he could even wish for. The smile he wears is a fake one, even he knows that. To put things better, I’ll place myself in his shoes (no objections please, Roli and Aaishwari). Here it goes. I sat there while a perfect set of songs was aired on the FM and those lines were fading into reality which went like:
Kehte hain sabhi
Yeh zindagi gam aur khushi ka woh mel hain
Par humko to aaya nazar
Ki yeh zindagi who khel hain
Koi sab jeete to sab koi haar de
Apni to haar hain yaar mere

Yaar….mere……. Sitting at dining table, I was all in a state trance and craving, craving for pain. Everything started fading out, the voices around me, the sound of the channels being changed on the television, the riffs and rhythm of the songs being played on FM, the vocals, everything. Eventually I could hear the ‘tic-tic’ of the wall clock and finally all I could hear was my own heart beating aloud and saying to me that I could do it. That was one heck of motivation. I picked up a knife from the table, placed it gently on my wrist and throughout I was flooded with self realization. Started dragging it with a little pressure and soon I was through with it after leaving a cut of about 2.5 inches long.

Even before I could have placed the knife back on the table, I could already feel the blood oozing out, drop by drop. It rolled down my palms, through my finger and landed up the white marble floor, smearing my fingertips and nails with a dark red colour. I sat there silently, staring blankly at those dark red (rather maroon now) drops of blood on the white floor. They were still accusing me of conspiring against them. Slowly my sight was turning black, everything faded and I couldn’t keep my eyes open for long. As soon as I closed my eyes, I felt the ‘thud’ when I actually fell down on the floor.

I don’t know but now I could hear some different voices and sounds all together. I heard some big machines on my left (that’s where the sound was coming from) saying regularly at continuous intervals ‘Beep…Beep…Beep…Beep…’ I heard one familiar voice saying, “Abhi zinda hain, zaldi aao”. I gathered the courage to open my eyes against the white fluorescent lights and could see faces all around me nervous and crying, ‘What For?’ Before, I could have said anything my sight blurred again and black dominated the frame again. I closed my eyes and felt the voices fading away. I heard someone say, “He is sinking” and after that, I heard the machine beeping more ferociously, ‘Beep..Beep..Beep..Beep..’ and then an eternal ‘Be..ee..ee..ee..ee..pp..pp..pp..pp.’ which never seemed to have ended. I don’t know whether it did or it didn’t.

Writing Credits: Piyush Singh
Editing Credits: Aaishwari Chouhan

Guest Post: Writing for Strangers?

It is said, “Opportunity knocks just once”. How true! Not because there is a dearth of opportunities, but because there are so many of them waiting to knock at your door!

Which also means that you catch hold of some, whereas the others are lost in the abssys of time. When Piyush gave me this opportunity to write for Café-Xpression, I thought, 'This is probably the one that deserves all my attention!' and held on to it with both hands. Oh boy! Now I am glad I did so!

But, what is it one can write about, since the readers are the ones whom you dont know at all. I really wonder that do they really connect to the words that we bloggers pen down with such fervour? Frankly, how many of you would even care to give a dime for things that are really close to my heart? Does it pay at all, then, to express myself here? Why open my heart to complete strangers?

You agree?
Hey! Just a second.
Hold on…
There’s another question on my mind now.

Are we really strangers? Is there nothing that connects you and me? Nothing at all…?
Don’t we share the same cosmos, elements and similar genetic codes? We probably have a host of common likes and dislikes, watch the same TV shows, love the same songs... You sure we’ve never met before? The girl you hurrying out of college yesterday, could that be me? Besides, we come from the same ancestors, don’t we?


I for sure don’t know your name.
I might never see your face again.
I know not what place you call home
Whom you love, or are all alone.

But, was that you?
Whose grandfather and mine
Slogged together to earn a living
In what we today call “ the stone age”?

Or, did I see you
Standing third in line
As I endured boredom
To exercise my polling franchise?

As the tube beamed pictures
And lights flickered on.
Eyes set like me, on the 8’o clock news,
Was that feature your face?

You are not a stranger
Are you?


Well, that’s something I can’t answer on my own.

Mind helping me find the answers to some of these queations, Mr./Ms. Stranger (?)



P.S: Thanks a ton; Piyush and Aaishwari for letting me write for this space. It’s really been an honour and of course, FUN!!

Post by - Suvarna Sista!

Suvarna Sista is a young(as she calls her) lady aged around 20 years and is currently pursuing mechanical engineering from YCCE, Nagpur. A third year student, Suvarna is all full of life and she is often referred to be an optimist to the extent of being foolish. Suvarna has been a way ahead of time when it comes to express things through words and already has a plethora of soul tuching poems under her belt. She can even give others a run for their money. Presenting before you - Suvarna, a mystery from the woods, morever she is an enchanting breeze from the north.

Here I Am – No One Again!

I don’t know why but I find winters damn romantic and now, I think, is the right time to romanticise with my long lost ‘words’. People were wondering, some even mentioned, ‘Blog is dead’. It happens. I was getting into a shell and that’s when the most beautiful pearl is formed. The shell fades away from the memory but the pearl is there to stay.
Welcome you all, a whole new world of…..Naah, wait a sec. the world is same but the things related to me have changed. Coming to winter once again, I couldn’t help adding the adjective ‘romantic’ to it.

Despite of everything ‘odd’ that has been happening with me, I m having a good and pleasurable time with all the loves of my life - melancholy, pain, words and craving. It’s so easy for me to say that I’ll rise up again but at the bottom of my heart I know that I am defeated. Lets make the set of words more perfect – I am fighting a battle which I know I m going to lose.
Anyways, everything else apart. Since love is in the air, what?! Did I hear anyone say ‘No’? Whatever but the fact will be a fact, IT IS. Winter just acts as a catalyst to it. That’s my approach to chemistry, never mind! Winters were on the prowl, second week of January and temperature was 2ºC below zero that day in Kanpur. I borrowed my team mate’s cell phone to make a call since I wasn’t carrying mine. I knew she would be right there next to the phone waiting for my call.

I : Main Piyush bol raha hoon.
She : Pata hain, kahan ho?....Maine kabse khana bana kar rakha hain….
I : Aa raha hoon baba, abhi abhi free hua hoon.
She : Jaldi aao, maine subah se kuch nahin khaya hain, jab society mein entry marna tab call kar dena aur yaha tumse milne ke liye bahut log baithe hain…
I : bas aa raha hoon !

Within 45 minutes, I was there in her society and phoned her when I entered the gate. She said that she would be waiting out on the road as it was virtually impossible to find her house which was numbered 450 & 451. I was in my car which was comparatively warmer than the environment outside. There she was rubbing her palms together and clad in a white sweater. Dedication, I must say, at that point of time I wouldn’t have waited for anyone like she did out in the open. Now things have changed.

Smile on her face almost killed me and I wasn’t able to figure whether it was a dream or a piece of reality till her warm hands touched mine for a hand shake. She guided me to her house all the while holding my hand and I can see the joy flushing on her face while my chauffer and team mate followed. There in her house, her Mom was waiting for me at the door and her 5 or 6 friends waiting for me at the couch. I was greeted with aroma of fantastic food as well.
Its not that I hate crowd but for that particular day, I just wanted to be left alone with her for some time since she already made a soft corner in my heart confessing her love for me 18 days back to the day of our meeting. She kept me forcing me for lunch at 5 in the evening; we (I, my team mate and she) finally compromised and settled for some hot tea. Her mom went to the kitchen. She took me to her room while my team mate entertained her folks singing one song after another.

There at her table I found the most pleasing collection of my poems, my cards (which I have sent her as a friend) and letters (wherein I would tell her stories, a new one every time). I sat on her bad and kept on staring at the floor. She took a seat on a couch next to bed. Although, I couldn’t see her but I could feel her near me. It was me who broke the silence by asking her whether she meant what she said 18 days back and if she was serious. The answer was yes and I still have got that frame frozen in my mind. It was foggy outside, foggier inside when I felt the dew drops roll down her eyes and touch the ground.

The tea arrived. I took the glass and kept it on the table. No one spoke. Eternal silence. She was trying to hand over the glass to me and accidentally our fingers touched. I realized the warmth of love is far more better than any other thing in this world. I wanted to live that moment through out my life. I so badly wished for the first time in my life that the time would stop but it's always been a traitor to me. I sat there admiring her face when the yellow light from the bulb projected a glow on her face; it might be love which made her glow. I asked her for a photograph of hers and she obliged. Time flied away like anything and I had to leave. Those were the best 40 minutes and I could make out her silhouette till fog engulfed it all while she stood there bidding by to me and car moved.

It’s been four years since this happened and I still regret that I could never confess what I felt for her and I know I would never get an opportunity to do that. Every time I think about her tears would roll down and I seep in to an unknown world where all I can see and explore is that face. I am unknown eternity since she had gone and people came and changed me as they pleased. The winter is knocking at my door again and all it brings is the fragrance of that lady who is far and far away in a distant world, in a distant entity. I stand up here at the terrace with my arms open embracing the cold winds hoping that one gush of air would carry her warmth and hold it on to me.

Writing Credits: Piyush Singh
Editing Credits: Aaishwari Chouhan

NOTHING LASTS FOREVER

My friend Kashyap messaged me the other day,
Love lasts for ever and ever,
Just that the partner keeps changing!

This message struck many thoughts into my head. Although, it was a hilarious message but it took a serious note into my brains. It was then that I went into my flashback to have a look at what lasted with me from the past 18 years and what didn’t!

What lasted with me till date are my parents, my siblings and my immediate family. Although we had our own ups and downs, good and bad times… but they were always there and will always be there for me. Next, thinking about school, it lasted for just 12 years and trust me, they were the best days of my life (Bryan Adams’ “Summer of 69” just flashes through my head now). When I was in school, I longed to wear casual clothes and go to college. I wanted to be a part of my family discussions and now when I am in first year Degree College, I long to wear that school uniform. I wish to be a kid again. I enjoy my brothers’ schooling experiences and try to live my school through it. Amongst all the so-called best friends I had at school, not even a couple of them can be called my best buddies today. Probably because of we, falling into different streams and getting busy with our own lives, it became a little tough to stay in touch. My best junior college buddy as well isn’t in touch. Isn’t it just some months since I left junior college?

Going on to the other friends I had outside college, more or less even they lost touch (except a couple of them of course) and here I am, simply myself- always accepting new friends with the hope of having a long lasting friendship with them or welcoming my lost long old buddies with a big hug! I changed my residence as well, so even that didn’t stay on for long. I myself kept changing physically, psychologically and emotionally. So, unfortunately, I couldn’t even hold back to myself. All these things just lead to one conclusion, “Nothing lasts forever!”

Isn’t this true… You and me are mere bodies with a beautiful soul. The body may not last forever, but the memories that one shares with the loved ones are something that will surely be till eternity. I remember the way we played basketball at school and walked that long lane checking out all the guys during our walk towards tuitions. In my junior college, I remember sitting along bandstand and having ‘Makka’ with my college buddies. With others, I remember the innocent remarks by my cousins, the ‘lame’ English my grandmum spoke, the count my great grandpa taught me and my sis, the coffee shop meets with my other friends and lots more. But these are mere memories now, they no longer exist nor can they be relived practically. Thus, now whenever I live any situation with my friend or anyone for that matter, I make sure I capture in every moment we spent together so that I can relive it yet again if I get such messages, since I am very sure that not everyone I interact with today shall stay with me for long. But all that I hope is to keep whatever I possess or possessed, be it my friends, relatives or even materialistic things; stay with me forever and ever and also that I can do justice to all of them.

What a coincidence, this flick is showing up on my cable called ‘Yaadein’ and the song that is playing along just doesn’t allow me to continue this post any further. It goes like—

Nagme hain, kisse hai, shikwe hai, baatein hai.
Baatein bhool jaati hai, yaadein yaad aati hai!
Yeh yaadein, isi dilo jaanam ke
Chale jaane ke baad aati hai!

Duniya mein aana, duniya se jaana,
Aao to le aana, jao to de jaana.
Yaadien…


Writing Credits: Aaishwari Chouhan
Editing Credits: Piyush Singh

Your Say on LOVE!

It was 10 in the morning, I call him and he replies, “Yeah sweetie, I am out of my bed. Just getting ready to meet you.” I left home to meet him at 11 am in Café Coffee Day, VT. I reach there and call him, he says, “Yeah, yeah, I am on my way to meet you! Gimme 10 minutes, I will be there.” Its 11.35 am on the clock. Until now, the waiter came in once to ask for my orders and looked at me with great expectations for more than twice. I call him again to hear, “You don’t trust or what? Wait, speak to the cab driver.” To this, I say “I do trust you and I don’t wanna speak to the cab driver. Just be here asap!” At 12.10 pm he enters the coffee shop and I welcome him not with any taunt or anger, but with a hug! Is this love?? Or merely patience?
He is nice, sweet and a true friend. The best part of him is he never flirts nor is he desperate or shows off his desperateness. A very frank and open person. Someone worth being a sweetheart!

I was sitting in Café Coffee day itself, missing my above mentioned when my best friend comes and during our discussion he says, “Tu ekdum Lallo hai!” he says. I reply, “Mujhe pata hai.” He says again, “You are a mummy’s kid. When will you grow up? You don’t know how to enjoy life. Life outside is very bad. You haven’t even seen an ounce of it. Whatever you have done and wherever you have worked is all bullshit when you don’t know how to live life to its fullest.” I just reply with a “hhmmm” all through! Ultimately, he comes over saying, “Bachu, I am sorrie… but then, everyone can’t talk this out to you. And you really need to change for the better, I never forced you to do anything. Did I?” He comes forward and hugs me like a kid and then, pampers me like yet another kid. Now, is this true love? Or just a way of showing I care?
This guy is a complete wacko! He loves you, cares for you and irritates you as well. He is the only one who speaks out all your setbacks on your face and then knows very well how to get you out of it as well. He knows its criticism that gets me working and he keeps doing that all the time. He is true and believes that certain things in love are reserved only for his wife and hence, he doesn’t want to fool around with anyone. Although he had opportunities to do so many times. Isn’t he a perfect guy?

I was speaking to my best friend at 1 in the night when this sweet friend calls in on the second line but I wasn’t able to answer his call. When finally I answer him after an hour he goes on, “Poora din chapar-chapar! Kuch kaam nahi hai kya?” “Tell me na, what do I do now?” “You are and will always remain my sweet little dumbo friend.” I couldn’t speak to him for a day and he sweetly says in the night, “I missed you all day long.” He stands besides me whenever I wanted a friend, he played all kinds of pranks whenever I he thought I was missing my touch with the kiddish deeds, he spoke to me like a friend who wanted to be heard whenever he was in confusion, he cheered me up whenever I was down.. be it physically not well or mentally ill! Now is this true love or a better half of every person?
He patiently waits for me to finish talking to my other friends and then, calls in to speak to me. He talks to my sister and very sweetly says, “I will pray for her relationship.” He never leaves an opportunity to compliment me whenever I deserve one. He is highly dedicated to his parents and friends. He is one person who says, “Anytime, anywhere—you need me, I am just a call away!” Now isn’t he a gem of a person?

I hung up everyone and was on my bed when my cell beeps and I get to read these stuff. “I’ll write the words for your song, I’ll walk with you all along, I’ll be by your side till the end. Trust me Aaishwari, you are a gem. I am nothing compared to you. Good nite darling!” “Obviously I mean it. I love you the way I love my parents, unconditionally, the way I love myself etc etc.” “I have discovered it now that I am in love with you. No commitments. Just pure and platonic love. No expectations. Let it be through friendship or whatever. I hope you getting it.” Apart from the telephonic conversation we had, this is what we shared through SMSes…. Now temme, is this true love or just flattery?
This guy is a brainy fellow and a genuine sweetheart! He himself has his own problems but still stand by you when you need him. Meeting him up isn’t a game, it happens once a blue moon. But yet, I love the dedication he shows towards my life and work. He keeps praising me for nothing. He knows how to flatter girls very well and yet keeps everyone on hold. Lol! A perfect example of ‘the most eligible bachelor of town’ but will he be the same even later on after I commit to him?

This guy is aloof from everyone. I just read his name in my dialing list and smile. I just read a message he sent some months ago and feel happy for his presence. This guy is the one I truly loved. I never felt he loved me back although we were in a relationship which didn’t last very long. We went for movies together. He always told me that I shouldn’t sleep much and invest that time in something productive so that it is helpful to me in my future. He played an important role in helping me take up BMM as my graduation field. But things weren’t going our way. So I decided to part ways. And when, I broke it out to him… he got back to me! He said I blamed him for everything that happened wrong in our relationship although he wasn’t mistaken. He said he thought I was mature but then, I am just like any other girl. He never wants to see me again now. I don’t know if I still love him or no, but staying without him is a little tough especially when I am alone and have nothing to do. The times we spent while watching a movie or in a restaurant or while sitting facing the sea on Bandstand… they keep getting back to me. I don’t know what do I do now? But I definitely don’t want to return back to him for anything although, I know I still love him somewhere!

Now, guys decide and tell me what true love is and what is friendship? Does true love exist today? Do people realize and really wanna believe in the term ‘LOVE’? Please comment back saying which guy is worth going around with... waiting for your response! And as a help, the first and the last two guys I mentioned are really serious… the others are just great buddies! So go ahead and comment, whom would you have selected had you been in my place?

Writing Credits: Aaishwari Chouhan
Editing Credits: Piyush Singh